Horoscopes are mostly for the stars.

I am starting to have a great interest in horoscopes. I do not find astronomy interesting at all, but horoscopes are great. Therefore, as a service to you, I will now do todays horoscopes for the zodiac signs Taurus, Gemini and Cancer.

Taurus:
Today you will read your horoscope. It will be written in the font "times new roman". After you have read your horoscope, you will still not know, what is going to happen with your day.


Gemini:
You will, at some point today, think of a special person in your life. It could be after reading a horoscope, and most likely, it is not relevant to you or to that special person in your life, but you really want to believe in horoscopes.

Cancer:
Shit happens...

Going on a date. (A list of things to remember.)

I rarely date. It is just not my thing. My thing is sitting at home, not being on a date.

But if you should decide to go on a date, here are some things to remember:

1. Only date living creatures of your own species. (It's not socially acceptable to date a dead dog.)

2. Before going out, you should always make sure, that your sexual orientations fit.  (If you are a heterosexual male, you should date a heterosexual female.)

3. Be sure to understand the importance of number 2 on this list. Please allow me to explain it. Maybe this equation will help:

X (A heterosexual female) + Y (A heterosexual male) = Ø (A perfect sexual match)

This would work, but now try and compare the first equation with this:

Z (A bisexual female) + D (A homosexual female) = T (A perfect sexual movie)

This would work as well. Now pay attention, because the last one is a bit more complicated:

Y (A heterosexual male) + U (A homosexual male) = P (Two dissapointed males)

This last equation does not include factors like level of alcohol and if Y is in the mood for experimenting. If these factors are just right the equation would look like this:

Y (A drunk heterosexual male) + U (A slightly less drunk homosexual male) = Oh (A massive hangover + A massive erection)


4. Remember to have ice cream in the fridge, for when you get home. (Let's face it. Most dates will go wrong. Why? Because people going on dates, often are people who likes dating. If the date should go well and turn in to a relationship, you are no longer allowed to date.)

You are now ready to go on a date with another person. Enjoy!

If you have any questions regarding the equations or anything else, please do not hesitate to ask me.

Any questions?

I think the next post on my blog, on the world wide web, should be an offer for everyone with access to the world wide web.

If any of you have any questions, you are always welcome to ask me. I know everything, and I will need subjects to write about.

One example could be the question: "Why have you not answered my e-mail? Are you not on 'the information superhighway'?"

If I was asked this exact question, my answer would probably be: "I have not seen the e-mail, you have sent me. But if you are on 'the information superhighway', would you not know that we no longer call it this?"

See, I answer in the form of a question. What would the Dalai Lama do? Exactly the same. (If I should keep it up, it should have been "Exactly the same?")

So if you have a question and you would like an answer (or a new question) my e-mail is laugh@mortencomedy.com.

World Premiere!

It most certainly is. This is my first blog ever in the language of English. First blogs are always tough, because you often forget, you have to write about something. Some people write about nothing and some want attention as fast as possible.

I know what I want. I want you to read it! Yes, you are allowed to read this. You are not peeping here on my blog. Please remember this. I have invited you here. When i use the word "you," it is because chances are, you are the only one reading this.

Now that we have established some ground rules, I should probably continue with a proper introduction of my self. When you describe yourself, you often start with your name, age and origin, I will save those for later.

Right now I live in an apartment with my friend of the age 32 and his cat Junkie of the age Ø (Ø=Hopefully dead soon). Maybe you have already noticed that I am not a fan of the cat. But is it reasonable for a person to hate (Yes, now it's hate) a cat? I believe it is.

My friend is away on travel for two weeks, so right now I am home alone with the cat, Junkie. Yesterday I was supposed to clean the litterbox, and so I did. Did I throw up? Yes. And how did the cat thank me? By attacking me? Yes. If I had a real person friend, who did this to me, he/she would not be my friend anymore. At least I had paid my dues, and the cat had a nice clean toilet.

Now you, as the reader, might be thinking: "When you woke up this morning, was the floor outside your room covered in shit?" Yes. Yes, it was. The floor was covered in shit. Was it your cat who did this? No. Did you have to clean it, because the owner of this cat is in Brazil? Yes.

Is it reasonable for a person to hate a cat? Yes.

My name is Morten. I am 26 years old. I live in Copenhagen, Denmark with my friend and his cat, Junkie.

PS. The cat bothered me the entire time while I was writing this. (If you don't like this blog, you'll hate the cat!)